Nothing Remotely Familiar

Topper stood in the entrance of the summer porch and folded her arms. “Did you put away the tools you used for your spell casting?”

“Don’t I always?”

“That’s not a proper answer, Jessica. I need a yes or no—and it had better be a yes.”

“Yessss…” Jessica hissed as she glared at her bossy witch mother. But when she noticed how tired her mother looked, she instantly felt bad about being so snarky. Wanting to make amends, Jessica went over and placed a hand on her mother’s bulging stomach. “Is my little bro-bro doing that rolling thing inside you again?”

Topper put a hand on her stomach and nodded. The boy kicked against both their palms.

Growing at more than twice the normal size as others her age, her daughter had become a handful immediately after her arrival. Her son, who she was guessing was more alien than earthling, was causing problems before he was even born. He hated the heat and was making gestation miserable. She had no energy these days and, according to her sister, Nonny, she still had at least two more months to go.

Stark was convinced a trip to the ice fields of Glacier was the answer to appease their second child. She was not as convinced, but Goddess Icela had requested to see her witchy daughter, Jessica, in person. With Stark and his goddess both nagging her, what could she do but agree to the trip?

Her past safari and river rafting excursions seemed relatively tame compared to visiting the wilds where Stark lived. She’d been there once before Jessica was born, but mostly all she’d seen was Stark’s bedroom.

Jessica leaned down a little and kissed her mother’s belly where her brother was growing. “Little bro-bro is probably just hot in there. He’ll probably love the cold as much as Dad does.”

“I think you might be right,” Topper said, not especially happy with the fact.

The new snow dome in Magic might provide an occasional cold space, but who would babysit him there? And what would they do with him at home? Maybe they needed a walk-in freezer set up with a crib and playpen. She’d always intended to build a cold room for Stark but had ended giving him an air-conditioned man cave outside the house instead. They needed more room, especially since interplanetary guests kept popping through portals to visit.

“I’m sorry if I was cranky with you, Jessica. I’m getting tense about our trip.”

Jessica’s eyebrow shot up before she could stifle her startled reaction. Her mother never apologized—like never—not even to her father. She twirled one of her long red curls around her finger and had to work hard not to show her shock.

Thinking about what her Dad might do in this circumstance, Jessica slipped an arm around her mother’s expanded waist and lightly hugged. Her father called concessions like these “taking the high road” but at thirteen she didn’t really understand his reference. She just knew that being nice made her tired mother smile.

“Hey, bro-bro,” she said loudly, lightly flicking her mother’s protruding stomach with two fingers. She got a firm kick in reply that caused her to giggle. “Ease up a little in there. You’re wearing Mom out.”

Topper chuckled and hugged her daughter. “You were such an easy baby. I should have known I wouldn’t be that lucky twice.”

Jessica beamed at the praise. It made her giggle, but her mother still looked exhausted. “This is the only time I will possibly say this to you, but I don’t think I like you being this nice. It’s scarier than when we’re yelling at each other.”

“Now you truly sound like your father. Speaking of my favorite alien… where is he?”

“I think Dad’s in his He-Shed doing man stuff.”

Topper chuckled. “It’s his office, Jessica. He turns the air conditioner down to nearly freezing and works in there. You know he’s helping Dr. Verglas come up with a more efficient solar-powered generator for Magic’s ice rink.”

“Because Dad’s brilliant like that?” Jessica asked.

“Yes,” Topper said, stroking her daughter’s long hair. “Because your dad’s brilliant like that.”

There was a sound of a wolf howling from the front yard followed by the doorbell ringing multiple times. The energy in the house shifted in warning letting them both know chaos was waiting outside.

“That’s something arriving by special courier but I didn’t request anything,” Topper exclaimed, turning her bulk toward the door. “Don’t tell me your father learned how to order things online. I have the computer set to redirect the shipping to the Sheriff’s office. We can’t have non-magicals delivering to our house.”

Jessica made a face. “Uh… well… I did kind of sort of show Dad the Internet when he asked me. But don’t worry—I stood back from the computer so my witchy energy didn’t kill it. I wish Auntie Nonny would hurry and get my technology charm fixed. Witch puberty is awful. Energy leaks are the worst.”

Topper heard only one thing in her daughter’s explanation. “What on Earth would Stark be ordering online? I told him I’d conjure whatever he needed for his work. Goddess, help us. It could be anything out there,” she said as she pulled open the door.

“Hello there, beautiful ladies. The name’s Bruce and I have a shipment for you from the land down under.”

“Down under what?” Jessica asked, thinking the man talked funnier than any alien friend of her father’s did. She eyed the wooden crate by his feet. It rocked and something inside it grumbled. The man kicked it with his foot and yelled “quiet down” before turning a big smile back their direction.

“I’m speaking of the land down under where you’re standing, miss. You know—Australia? Kangaroos. Koalas. Island Continent surrounded by the best beaches in the world.”

Topper’s mouth twisted. “Yes. We know what Australia is. Who sent you, Bruce?”

“Ah, that would Relle. Relle sent me. Lovely woman that Relle. Makes a great scone. I like it with whipped cream and berries. Very tasty.”

“Narelle? Are you speaking of Witch Narelle?” Topper demanded as she frowned.

“Guess that would be her formal title. Relle asked me to deliver something to Topper’s girl in the US of A.”

“What happened to the old courier?” Topper wanted to know.

“As I understand it, her old courier has been reassigned to a new job. I got the impression that he went off his dial one time too many.”

“Aren’t you a werewolf? I thought all paranormal couriers were supposed to be magicals now,” Jessica said.

Bruce favored the young witch with his best grin. “Sure enough, that’s what they say. Guess I’m lucky Aussies don’t always follow witch rules by the book or I might not have my job. Relle tends to think outside the box. Her last courier wasn’t a magical either—just so you know,” he pointed out, turning to kick the crate when something inside it started loudly complaining again. “So, Little Miss Witch—are you and your mum signing for this familiar or not?”

“No, we are not,” Topper answered as she stepped in front of her daughter and glared at the courier. “Take back whatever Narelle sent. Tell her thanks, but no thanks. We’ll wait for a local familiar to be assigned.”

Since she’d become a teenager, Jessica had gotten into the habit of leaving quietly when surrounding adults started arguing over her. She got a lot of practice because her parents argued all the time. It was boring to listen to them debate everything under the New Mexico sun.

This time something seemed different. Her gut suddenly demanded that she pay attention and get involved in the conversation. Her father taught her it was very, very important for her to listen to her instincts. Well, they were screaming at her now, so she really didn’t have a choice.

“Did I hear you say the package is for me?” Jessica asked, stepping around her mother. All her senses were tingling in anticipation while she waited for the courier’s answer.

Topper held her back gently. “He said that, but we don’t know what it is, Jessica. Narelle and I… well, we don’t get along very well. I’m afraid she might be sending you something terrible.”

“Why?” Jessica asked.

Topper stopped and thought about what to say, but in the end, she played the mother card. “Narelle and I had a disagreement about some things I can’t tell you about until you’re much older.”

“I’ve never seen you be nervous about the actions of any other witch. Who’s Narelle?”

Jessica leaned around her mother again to squint at the wooden crate by the man’s feet. It was definitely jumping up and down now. The man lifted one booted foot and stepped on it to hold it in place. A giggle escaped her. Whatever was in the crate seemed determined to escape. She definitely understood that feeling.

“Why are you laughing? This is not a funny matter,” Topper insisted.

Bruce nodded gravely. “No, it sure isn’t, Little Miss. Relle is the primary witch who assigns familiars to their witches. Mother Gaia appointed her to that role,” he said with a smile. “The delivery is definitely for…” he checked the paper in his hand, “… Jessica, daughter of the Honorable Witch Topper.”

“That’s me. I’m Topper’s daughter,” Jessica answered firmly.

“Right then,” he said with a bow. “Then this crate is for you if you want it.”

“What’s in it?” Jessica asked, her heart starting to pound.

“Well, now, that’s a surprise of a witch sort. Before you open it, you have to sign for it. You also have to agree to give the critter inside it a fair go as your familiar. There’s a ninety-day trial period where you can’t return him or ask for a replacement. Relle feels there’s always a bit of an adjustment at first. But this bloke is well broke in and shouldn’t give you any trouble. Oops… I mean… he’s a completely domesticated familiar.”

Topper shook her head. “I’ve already requested a local familiar be assigned to my daughter. Life in the desert is not for all animals.”

Bruce scratched his head. “Relle said you might say that. She said I was to assure you that he will make a corker of a familiar… outside one or two little quirks that is.”

“Quirks? What kind of quirks?” Topper asked, alarmed.

The werewolf shrugged. “Well, for one, he’s a vegetarian.”

“That’s not a quirk,” Jessica announced with a giggle. She turned to her mother. “My instincts are talking to me, Mom. I want what’s in that box.”

Topper blew out a breath. “Don’t you want a nice friendly cat for your first familiar? Cats can be annoying, but they’re also very good at guarding and require little care. Your Aunt Nonny and Aunt Evanna both have cats still.”

Jessica crossed her arms. “You don’t have a cat.”

Topper sighed over the logic. “Because I’m older, Jessica. I don’t work with a familiar anymore. However, all witches need them early on in their witchy life. They’re guardians of your magic to make sure it does no harm.”

“But cats are boring,” Jessica protested. She bit her lip nervously because it was hard being honest with her powerful mother. No other witch in Magic ever questioned one of her mother’s decisions.

Bruce cleared his throat. “There is definitely no cat in this crate. I can also promise, Little Miss, that this here familiar Relle assigned to you will never, ever be boring,” he said, stomping once more on the top of the wooden box.

They all heard someone call out in pain—and in English.

Bruce winced at the sounds. “Oh, right. Did I forget to mention your familiar talks like a human? That’s another of his quirks.”

Topper harrumphed and her son did a somersault inside her. He seemed to share her mistrustful nature. “Just how many quirks does Relle’s familiar have? It sounds like you could make quite a list.”

Jessica giggled again. “An animal who talks like a human isn’t a quirk either. Mom, please…”

“I heard my two favorite females arguing from inside the house. What on Earth is going on out here?” a commanding voice demanded.

Jessica grinned when the werewolf courier instantly lifted his foot off the crate and backed up a couple steps as her tall, silver-haired father came into view. Everyone was a little scared of her Dad which was just one of the many, many things she loved, loved, loved about him.

“Good day to you, Mr… uh… Topper, sir,” Bruce said.

Stark nodded, not bothering to correct the man about his name. He was more interested in the debate he’d overheard. He looked between his daughter and his powerful mate. “Do I detect an Australian accent in our visitor? I assume he’s no threat or he’d be in a cage by now.”

“He’s a courier. Some shriveled-up, old witch…” Topper stopped the rant when Jessica’s attention swung her way. “I mean, a powerful witch from my past sent Jessica a familiar. It’s in the crate.”

Stark turned to look at the wooden container. “There’s a cat in the crate? That’s an enormous container to ship a cat in. Why is it being constrained?”

“It’s not a cat,” Jessica said, smiling at her father. “But I can’t see what kind of animal it is until I’ve agreed to a trial. The witch from Mom’s past works for Gaia. Bruce said that’s how it all works.”

Another flurry of swearing and bouncing around happened. The four of them stared at the crate and listened to a full three minutes of imaginative cursing coming from within the box. Luckily, most of the words were slurred and barely legible through the wood.

Jessica noticed she was the only person giggling, but she couldn’t help it. She just knew her new familiar would be way more fun than a cat.

Stark walked forward and studied the crate before reluctantly smiling at his mate. “The creature seems upset by its confinement, but I sense no genuine malice. Do you fear this animal is unsafe for our daughter?”

Topper’s eye roll couldn’t have been larger. “No, Stark. I’m not afraid of it in the physical sense, but if Jessica agrees to have it, the thing in that crate gets to live with us until its contract with her is up. We have no idea what we’re getting into.”

“Afraid that’s true, Mr. Topper, sir. Little Miss has to keep it a full ninety days before she can change her mind,” Bruce reminded them.

Topper glared at the courier. “Such a contingency is unnecessary. My daughter is no quitter. Her yes will be final until we require another familiar. We do not take our commitments lightly, as Narelle well knows. She’s setting me up somehow and I refuse to let her do that to my family.”

Bruce scratched his beard that had nervously grown two inches in the last ten minutes. “So, you want me to take the familiar back to Relle?”

“No!” Jessica called out. She turned to plead once more. “Mom, please—I have to keep him.”

“Why?” Topper demanded, searching her daughter’s gaze for a reason.

“I don’t know,” Jessica said on a near-wail. “I just…”

Topper put her hands on her daughter’s face. “Having a familiar is like having a child. It’s a lot of work and a familiar can make as much trouble as they help you fix. This is a very important decision.”

Jessica nodded. “I know and I understand about the work. I know you wish I could be older, but who knows? Maybe I’ll be another two years older by the time we get back from…”

Topper pressed a finger over her daughter’s lips to stop her from sharing their travel plans with a stranger. She kissed her daughter’s forehead as she thought about the situation. Narelle had a reason to want to torment her, but Gaia didn’t have any bad intentions toward her daughter. Did her trust in Gaia trump her concerns about Narelle seeking revenge? That was the real question.

The bad blood between her and Narelle was a good fifty years old now. Back then, she’d had no idea that the German warlock she’d kissed had been engaged to the Aussie Witch. The warlock sure hadn’t acted like he was engaged to anyone. All she’d done was kiss him back one time, but Narelle had blamed her for the lapse… and accused Topper of luring him away.

Topper had given the warlock goat’s horns for a week trying to make it up to Narelle but even that hadn’t convinced the witch who was nearly her equal in power. Although Narelle was now Gaia’s active agent, how could Topper possibly accept the crazy witch had her daughter’s best interests at heart? The bottom line was that she couldn’t.

There was only one positive spin. Maybe this was a lesson Jessica needed to learn. Both Gaia and the Fates could be like that, as well she knew.

Could she risk taking what might be a powerful life lesson from her daughter? And if she refused this one would the next test be worse?

As always, there was no easy answer. Jessica’s enthusiasm to brave     the unknown was shiny and bright. A positive attitude was often one of a witch’s best traits.

Topper’s fingers slid away from her firstborn’s face. “Okay. You can keep Narelle’s familiar for ninety days. If it doesn’t adjust to us, or to you, it goes back to Narelle and we get a cat.”

Jessica threw her arms around her mother and hugged until her future brother kicked her away. She laughed at his unborn irritability. Her bro-bro was more like their mother than their mother realized. “I promise you I’ll do my best with it.”

Topper made herself smile in encouragement. “I know you will. It’s the familiar I’m worried about.”

Jessica all but skipped to the courier. “Okay. Where do I sign?”

“So, you’re really sure, Miss?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Jessica promised. She smiled up at her father. “I know how much you like animals, Daddy. You can stay while they open the crate. What do you think it is?”

“I think it’s a live teddy bear,” Stark replied instantly, noting Topper still looked like she intended to kill whatever was in the crate. It was a good thing he’d followed his instincts and come looking for his females. Maybe he could spare the animal’s life by making sure it kept its anger under control.

“A teddy bear? It can’t be. Teddy bears aren’t real,” Jessica said to her father. “The familiar is from Australia so I guess it could be a koala bear… or maybe a panda bear—no, wait, that’s China… or maybe it’s a…” She looked at the courier. “Is it an Australian animal?”

“Absolutely, Miss. The creature in this crate is the most Australian animal of all,” Bruce answered, whipping out his accepting device.

“Is it a kangaroo?” Jessica asked, still guessing.

Bruce chuckled. “No, it’s not a skippy. Put your finger in here, Miss. This will pinch a bit.”

“I know—you need my blood for the witch’s promise,” Jessica said, watching him put the device over her finger. She winced when it struck with a pain greater than she’d expected. She didn’t call out though, not even when the drop of blood oozed onto the pad. A brilliant streak of white light left the device, passed through her, and then went into the crate. The creature inside it grunted in pain.

“There you go—all done. The critter in the crate is now officially your familiar. I wish you the best with him,” Bruce said as he tucked the device back inside his shirt. “And as a word of caution to you, Miss, you might want to stand back a bit when you open it up. He will be mad as bloody hell after being stuck inside for so long. Just keep in mind that you can stop him with a firm command now that you’re his witch.”

“Oh, I’m not worried. My father is great with animals. I won’t need to get mean.”

Bruce laughed. “Okay, well, I’ll just be heading on back where I came from.”

With a loud roar, the crate bounced hard and broke open at the top. They all watched in amazement as a furry, fanged thing launched itself directly at Bruce. The werewolf called out in shock and brought his arms up as a shield.

Laughing, Stark caught the animal by the scruff at the back of its neck just seconds before its six-inch long talons sank into the screaming werewolf. He grinned at the fierce-looking creature.

“Now, now—no attacking the courier,” Stark ordered.

Jessica’s eyes widened as she stepped around the front of the animal to get a better look at what she’d given her blood oath to accept as her familiar. “Wow. What are you?” she asked him, checking out his fangs and the long talons on his claws. All she got in answer was a glare and a low menacing growl, but she wasn’t too worried about it since he wasn’t looking at her.

Jessica turned to Bruce who was scratching nervously. “What kind of animal is it?”

“Australian Drop Bear… and he’s a mean one,” Bruce exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger.

“Mean?” Stark turned the animal toward him and looked at it more closely. “Looks like a koala bear to me.”

“Yeah. That’s what most think it is. I’ll be taking my leave now.”

They watched as Bruce lifted his wrist and ordered, “Home. Now.” In a blink, he magically disappeared.

Wanting to establish the rules before her parents got more involved, Jessica lifted a finger and shook it under the furry thing’s nose. “Don’t you scare me ever again. You are to be nice to me and my family.”

When power left her finger and zinged the creature, she stumbled backwards. The furry creature morphed back into a normal looking brown and black koala.

“Wow. I didn’t see that coming,” Jessica said, staring at the end of her finger.

Stark set the koala down on the ground. It immediately curled up into a ball and held its stomach while it moaned.

Sighing, Topper walked down the sidewalk. “Wait—I know that Drop Bear.” Life was full of surprises, not all of them good ones. “Kevin?”

The koala rolled until it sat upright. “Unfortunately, that is my name. Do I know you?”

“I’m the witch who accidentally kissed Gunther. I looked a lot older back when we met all those years ago,” Topper informed him. When Stark grunted, Topper turned to her husband. “It was a long time ago, and all I did was kiss him.”

“Hmm… I think I’m feeling your human jealousy. It’s not logical to do so about anyone from your past. I don’t think I like this. I will have to give it some thought,” Stark said.

While Jessica giggled at her father’s strange pronouncement, Topper chuckled and rolled her eyes. She looked at the moaning koala. “Are you okay, Kevin?”

Kevin struggled to right himself before answering. That powerful punishment zing from the Little Witch Miss had sealed his fate. There would be no escaping now. “I recall that deplorable situation. Relle went completely off her dial about Gunther kissing you and then she married the cheating bastard anyway. Females—who understands them? Not me. That’s for sure.”

Topper winced. “Love may blind you initially, but I’m sure her lack of clarity didn’t last. What did she do to Gunther when she found out he was like that with all females?”

Kevin chuckled. “She turned him into an ugly cat and gave him to the worst witch she knew as a familiar. His witch dresses him in costumes and makes him eat cat food. That would have been about twenty years ago now. Ugly divorce they had…”

“At least that’s some justice to the cheating bas… uh… warlock,” Topper said. “I can’t believe she sent you to be my daughter’s familiar. You were her courier before Bruce. Right?”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah.”

“What happened? Did you lose a bet?”

“Nah, worse than that,” Kevin said, scratching his chest. “I recently found myself a lady who doesn’t care about my dark side. We shacked up and got cozy quick. When Relle found out I was happily in love, she said I’d betrayed her like every other male in her life. I had no choice but agree to this gig. She threatened to kill my Lucy if I didn’t go along.”

Topper blew out a frustrated breath. “That witch needs some serious counseling. I’ll look into your situation when we get back. Looks like you’re staying with us for the next ninety days. We’re planning to leave tomorrow on a trip. I bet Narelle knew it too. She was always superb at scrying.”

“Wait… Mom? Do you know my familiar?”

Topper looked at her daughter and nodded. “Kevin’s not really a familiar, honey, but he is a genuine Australian Drop Bear. He’s the fiercest of his kind. He worked for Narelle.”

“How did you become a Drop Bear?” Jessica asked.

“I don’t call myself that. It’s just a label,” Kevin grumbled as he kicked at the dirt.

“Drop Bear? This is fascinating, I didn’t know Earth had such a magnificent creature,” Stark said.

Topper shrugged. “There are a lot of rumors about their creation. The one I most believe is that a coven of vampires in England took koala bears from Australia and made them into Drop Bears for their future children. When the vampires found out that their kind couldn’t have children, they took the Drop Bears back to Australia and just dumped them out. Over time, they mated with regular koalas. Now there are thousands of them. Kevin’s family is from the ancestral line of the originals. He’s just being modest.”

Stark shook his head. “This creature looks exactly like one of the teddy bears Jessica keeps hidden in her closet. Only a cold-hearted vampire would turn such an innocent animal into a fellow blood-sucker.”

“Dad, I’m not hiding my old stuffed animals. I’m just keeping them safely tucked away.”

“Tucked away? For what purpose?”

Jessica sighed. She saw her mother roll her eyes again. Her alien father didn’t understand what something having sentimental value meant.

Stark huffed as he looked down. “Even in his fiercest form this Drop Bear is not nearly as dangerous as a dragon.”

“Dragon?” Kevin’s head twisted around both ways before he stared up at the silver-haired man. “You got dragons running loose here in New Mexico?”

“Yes, but they’re friendly dragons,” Jessica said. She held out her hand to help the koala to his feet. She laughed when he swung himself up and locked his legs around her waist. She giggled and hugged him to her. “Good thing I’m strong like my Dad. You’re heavy.”

“Sorry I scared you earlier, Jessica. I was trying to take out the werewolf. Bruce should have warned you about what was happening. That’s part of his job. Relle probably offered him a bribe to trick you into keeping me.”

Jessica hugged him again. “It’s okay. Stuff like this always happens to my Mom and me. It’s because we’re so powerful. People trick us a lot.”

Kevin laid his head on her shoulder. “Stuff like this always happens to me too. I am one unlucky Drop Bear.”