Party Like A Witch
Pre-Order Available! Releases Oct 21, 2019!
WRITTEN FOR: Magic and Mayhem Universe
SERIES: Book 3 of the Baba Yaga Adventures
LENGTH: 20,000 words
RELEASE DATE: October 2019
Rubble, Rubble, Toil and Trouble
Fires are burning. Cauldrons are bubbling.
Are they conjuring a spell? Cooking dinner?
No! The Baba Yaga is throwing an All Hallows Eve party to lure a vampire maker out of hiding and she’s using Hildy as human bait. Witches are human after all. Chuck’s ripping down trees to make enough wooden stakes to kill a whole coven.
All Hildy cares about is that there are a bunch of coffins in her backyard. What is she supposed to do with vampires? Bat shifters, Carol wanted to call them, but that’s a bunch of bull crap—or rather, guano.
She’s not the Baba Yaga. Why does Carol keep involving her in her schemes?
There’s more magic and mayhem going on than you ever believed you could happen.
“Par-tay! Par-tay! Par-tay!” Carol chanted as she skated around Hildy’s basement that doubled as a shifter hospital.
Orange glitter filled the air as she spun in circles but Carol made sure it disappeared before it landed on anything. Hildy—aka the resident Shifter Healer—was her best friend in the entire world. Plus, she was a more-often-than-not a cranky witch when it came to someone contaminating her healing area with magic other than her own.
“I am not in the mood to help with your stupid party.”
“Lighten up, for Goddess’ sake,” Carol ordered. She waved a hand, and the Bee Gees sang along while she practiced her fabulous skating dance moves.
“I’m not helping you. Last time I helped, you froze me,” Hildy insisted.
Listening to the Bee Gees was bad enough, but the sudden appearance of a swirling disco ball over her examining table had Hildy stopping her efforts to scrub away the blood from her last work. When the wolf in the cage behind her whined at Barry hitting the high notes on “Staying Alive”, Hildy turned back and glared at the Baba Yaga who was acting like an idiot.
“Carol, stop singing along before I zap you,” Hildy warned. “And turn off the freakin’ music. You’re scaring my patient. Poor Howler Jr. is traumatized enough. This is his first shift into his wolf and the Bee Gees have to be killing his young wolf’s ears.”
Carol rolled to a stop and fisted hands on her hips as she let the music die away. “You’ve completely forgotten how to have fun. What’s happened to you, Hildegard?”
Hildy huffed. “What do you think, Carol? I grew up. I’m scrubbing blood off my examination table because Mac’s bringing his adopted son over. Kid bounced too high and hit his over-sized kangaroo head on the ceiling of Mac’s house. Apparently, Jeeves got excited when Mac said he’d pay for culinary school for him. Now Mac’s worried the boy has a concussion. And he’s my tenth patient of the day. Do you not see how serious my life is?”
Three sets of grunting cubs suddenly came rushing down the stairs yelling “Auntie Carol’s here” as loudly as they could. Even though they dwarfed her now, they still threw themselves at the laughing woman dressed in a lime green spandex jumpsuit. Hildy rolled her eyes at the witch she no longer recognized. Since taking on a whole posse of warlocks, Carol had grown giddier and giddier. The Baba Yaga wasn’t supposed to be giddy. The Baba Yaga was supposed to be somber… kick-ass… terrifying.
Hildy frowned as she heard Carol asking each boy for an update. The Baba Yaga had made sure the cubs Chuck had raised as his sons had the best training in the whole magical world. She was grateful for that—she was. Goddess knew, her work barely left her time to do any quality mothering.
But her gratitude was no reason for Carol to assume she could just do whatever the hell she wanted in Assjacket whenever she felt like it. This was Hildy’s town. Shifters came from many surrounding to states to get treated here. Assjacket did not need to be front and center in the Baba Yaga’s nefarious schemes.
“Watch the metal bra, boys. It doubles as body armor.” She pointed to her breasts. “These metal babies are pointy enough to put out both your eyes at once.”
Hildy rolled her eyes when the cubs all said the metal bra was cool. She rolled her eyes higher when Carol carefully hugged them. Lord, they had really grown. They were eye-to-eye with Carol who was still wearing her skates.
“Wow, boys. What is Hildy feeding you three? You’re as tall as I am,” Carol exclaimed.
“Honey muffins,” they all said with a sigh and turned to beam at the closest thing to a mother they had. Hildy smiled back at her boys as Chuck jogged down after the basement stairs to retrieve them.
“Sorry, honey bun. They got away from me again. They said they heard music… Oh, hey, Carol… I mean… Hello, Great Baba Yaga.”
“Hello, Charles,” Carol said with a smile. “Want a hug? I’m wearing my metal bra today.”
Chuck shook his head and laughed nervously. “Uh… better pass this time. You look dangerous in that bra… uh, I mean, pointy chest armour. I’ve got to take the boys to see their father—other father, that is. I don’t want Hildy to have to heal me before I can go. She’s had a long day.” He glared at the cubs. “Upstairs, boys. Grab your homework so your Other Dad can check it.”
The cubs grumbled and one said, “but Dad…”
Chuck growled, and the sound shook the basement walls. The cubs ran over each other trying to get up the stairs and away from their growling parent.
Chuck turned to the wolf in the cage who whined and covered his ears with his paws. “Sorry, Howler. It’s the only way to get them to obey.”
He grinned when the wolf let loose a mournful howl in protest. Chuck smiled down at Hildy before he bent his head and swiped a kiss from his mate. “I won’t be long.”
Hildy nodded. “I’ll feed Howler then head upstairs to make dinner. Wait… I’ll do that after Mac gets here with Jeeves. Checking him shouldn’t take long. That kid has a hard head.”
“You’re the best Shifter Healer in the whole wide world and I have the best mate ever.” Sweeping her up in a bear hug, Chuck squeezed gently then set a now giggling Hildy back on the floor. He stole one more kiss before lifting his head. “Bye, Carol. She hasn’t changed her mind. I’ve done all I could… and believe me, I tried really, really hard to change her mind—like all night long.”
Carol grinned. “Maybe you need to buy some books and learn some new tricks.”
Chuck nodded. “Great idea. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Bye, Charles,” Carol said, finger waving to the giant bear as he winked at her. She smiled as she watched Hildy’s gaze follow Chuck up the stairs.
“That bear does not need to learn any new tricks. He barely lets me sleep as it is. Why do you think I’m always so tired?” Hildy asked with a grunt.
Carol chuckled. “Your bear gets hotter every time I see him. You were so right to snap that male up when he came sniffing around. Did he grow again, Hildy? Chuck looks bigger to me.”
Hildy nodded. “Apparently, the bears in Chuck’s family don’t stop growing until they hit fifty or so. Chuck’s got a few more years. I’m lucky he still fits in the house.”
Accepting that her time to dance was over, Carol waved a hand to replace her sparkly orange skates with even sparklier purple ankle boots. She walked to the now pristine exam table and hopped up on the side of it. The position allowed her to stare at the top of Hildy’s head.
“That’s right. I keep forgetting you’re a cradle robber. Your hair is going gray, by the way.”
Hildy lifted a hand to her scalp. “If I’m going gray, it’s because of you. Every time the Baba Yaga shows up here, I get involved in one of her wild-ass schemes.”
“An All Hallows Eve party is not a scheme. Wild-ass could fit the festivities, but it’s doubtful in this one-horse town.”
Hildy snorted. “Assjacket has two horse shifters, I’ll have you know. And you could throw a party at the pyramids of Giza or the Eiffel tower or anywhere in the world. Why are you really here?”
Carol gave Hildy her best Baba Yaga glare. “Why are you arguing with me over a simple party? You know I could just order you to do this.”
Hildy nodded. “Yeah, you could. And I could answer you like this…” she said, lifting both middle fingers. “But then you’d get mad, and I’d have to get Gaia involved. She does not like your attitude toward her favorite healer, Carol.”
Not the least insulted or intimidated by the threat of Hildy telling Gaia on her, Carol laughed and cleared her throat. “Everybody in your rinky-dinky shifter town will have a good time. No one will get hurt. I’ll even provide the entertainment.”
“What kind of entertainment? Ghouls? Wraiths? I don’t trust your idea of fun.”
Carol lifted a shoulder. “If you just have to spoil the surprise… I’ve arranged for Blunted Vampires to provide the music. I’m after one of their makers who attacked an elf.”
“No way am I exposing my shifters to vampires,” Hildy said. “Bloodsuckers can’t be trusted.”
Carol jumped down from the table and crossed her arms. “I’ll make sure everyone has a garlic necklace and a wooden stake. See? Problem solved.”
Hildy shook her head. “No.”
“No is not an acceptable answer,” Carol said. “Assjacket is one of the few towns in the world with a zero population of humans.”
“Not true. I’m human,” Hildy said to remind her.
Carol fisted both hands on her spandex covered hips. “You’re not really human. You’re a witch.”
Shaking her head, Hildy stomped over to add her cleaning cloths to the basket of bloody towels that needed washing. “I’m a healer witch. If anything, I’m more human now than I’ve ever been. The longer I do this, the more connected to the earth I become.”
“Fine. You can have two wooden stakes—one for each thigh. You know you’ll look super hot in a short mini-skirt with two stakes strapped to your thighs. The band will play a few songs. The Vampire maker will show up to stop them. Boom. Bam. Stake to the heart and it’s all over for him. The elf doesn’t have to watch his back anymore.”
Hildy turned and glared. “You could do that take-down anywhere.”
Carol turned and wandered the room. She bent and peered at the caged wolf. “I hear Vampire Makers can get a bit dramatic. You’re healing expertise could prove useful if things don’t go according to plan.”
“Is Isobel still with Morgana?”
“Goddess, yes,” Carol vowed, even though she wasn’t so sure. “And I will never ask you to fight that woman again. Morgana promised me that neither of us would ever have to. I don’t know what’s become of her, but she’s not caused any trouble that they have notified me about.”
Hildy narrowed her eyes. “But since I’m human, you are planning to use me for bait again, aren’t you? Chuck will lose his shit, Carol. You know what happened with the honey badgers. I couldn’t get him to turn back to human for two whole days. He shoved a giant tree stump into every hole entering their lair just because one of them snarled at me.”
Being careful to avoid the sharp metal of her favorite fashion accessory, Carol crossed her chest with a finger. “I promise your bear will never know what I’m planning. And honey badgers will be nowhere in sight. They aren’t invited to the party.”
Hildy ran a hand through her hair. “After they lost the war, Mac made the entire badger community move well beyond the limits of the woods. They aren’t allowed close to Assjacket or me anymore. Ever since he lost his parents to them… Goddess, it still hurts to talk about it.”
Carol nodded. “I know. I know. That was a tragic loss. They tempted me to wipe out their entire species, but Morgana forbade it.”
Hildy blew out a long breath. “I can’t talk about them yet, so let’s talk about your stupid party. I still don’t like this plan of yours, Carol. How do you know the Vampire Maker will come to hear the band? And why do you think they’ll want to turn me?”
“Because the Vampire Maker doesn’t want the bad performing, especially for me. As for the other, I don’t think they’ll try to turn you. Vampires aren’t stupid. But I think you might tempt them to go after a bit of healer blood.”
Hildy lifted both hands. “Fine. I’ll help you host the stupid party, but I’m telling Mac about the danger. He’ll tell those he wants to be prepared. I refuse to leave everyone in the dark.”
“I understand. And I can’t risk the Vampire Maker being among non-magical humans on the one day the bloodsucker can break the no-turning oath. All Hallows Eve is sacred to witches for many, many reasons. Vampire Makers are one of the most important ones, but even the dragons honor that day.”
“Dragons?” Hildy repeated. “Goddess, you’re not inviting dragons to the party, are you?”
“No, no,” Carol said, raising a hand. “They wouldn’t come anyway. Shifter parties are beneath them. Besides, they’d be too tempted to eat the attendees. Elenora would have to get involved to make sure they didn’t, and then I’d get a lecture about not trying to befriend dragons. So no, there will be no dragons at the party. I’m bringing my posse, but they’ll be incognito as something non-human. I haven’t decided what yet, but I’m thinking goats.”
Hildy chuckled before groaning at the image of Carol standing around with a bunch of goats bleating behind her. “Do they know they’re going to the party as goats?”
“Why does that matter? I’m leaving you human. Don’t you trust me?”
Shaking her head, Hildy chuckled again. “No. And you really suck at talking people into things, Baba Yaga.”
Carol shrugged. “That’s why I had to become super-great at turning everything I need done into an order that can’t be refused.”
“Am I the only one who ever questions you?” Hildy asked.
Carol thought about it. “Pretty much. Everyone else is afraid of me.”
Hildy sighed at the concession even when it obviously didn’t help her say no. “I’m afraid of you too, just in a different way than most. You get me into a lot of trouble for someone who’s supposed to be my friend.”
“Agreed, but you will still help me catch the Vampire Maker, right?”
Carol grinned and flicked a hand. “Great.”
Hildy cringed as she looked down at the pink spandex body suit she was suddenly wearing. Carol had topped it with a frilly tulle skirt that had seen no action since the 80s. “This outfit looks ridiculous. You have no fashion sense whatsoever.”
Carol chuckled and hooked one arm around her friend’s shoulder. “What are you complaining about? You can rock any outfit. Your ass looks as good as it ever did. Sex with that bear keeps you in great shape.”
Hildy snorted and waved a hand until she was wearing fresh jeans and a tank top. “My 80s outfit rocking days are over. Chuck prefers me naked anyway.”
“The band told me that Vampire Makers are picky about choosing their protégés. Dress alluring for the festivities or I’ll dress you myself,” Carol promised.
“You wouldn’t dare,” Hildy hissed.
“Two words, Hildegard,” Carol said with an ominous tone as she stepped away to transport. It was so hard not to laugh at the look on Hildy’s face as she pointed at herself. “Baba. Yaga.”
What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe? Here’s what the author says…
Blast Off with us into the Magic and Mayhem Universe!
I’m Robyn Peterman, the creator of the Magic and Mayhem Series and I’d like to invite you to my Magic and Mayhem Universe. What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe, you may ask? Well, let me explain…
It’s basically authorized fan fiction written by some amazing authors that I stalked and blackmailed! KIDDING! I was lucky and blessed to have some brilliant authors say yes! They have written brand new stories using my world and some of my characters. And let me tell you… the results are hilarious!
So here it is! Blast off with us into the hilarious Magic and Mayhem Universe. Side-splitting books by fantabulous authors! Check out each and every one. You will laugh your way to a magical HEA!
For all the stories, go to https://magicandmayhemuniverse.com/. Grab your copy today!
Who is Robyn Peterman? So glad you want to know!
My life hasn’t been the same since I met Robyn Peterman in a writer’s group where we were the only two comedy writers and the only two authors writing paranormal. Now we’re critique partners and over our years of working together she’s taught me many, many, many new potty words. We’re thinking about making our own dictionary.
Check out Robyn’s original series that began the Magic and Mayhem Universe. CLICK HERE to visit the website.